I find the situations I find myself in – and my response to them – fascinating. Hell can kill or can create a strength that few expects or anticipates.
This morning I learned about hellish nightmares that both employees and patients experience in a local inpatient facility. It’s a prison where no one would want to enter should they know what was truly on the other side. It’s a hell that I have absolutely no desire to ever experience in any way, shape, or form. I naively said that the place needed increased education. I was completely right yet completely wrong. That place needs revamping and re-gutting from the top down then from the bottom up. The place where I learned that from is just as messed up yet with a totally different flair and presentation. Hell has so many different faces, forms, and presentations. Sometimes you can anticipate it. Other times you are blindsided.
I’ve often anticipated it yet had no skills to assess it, overcome it, or prevent it before hell happened. Often I try to assess for it to prevent experiencing hell, yet I fail more often than not.
Right now I am anticipating and observing absolute hell from an outsider’s perspective and I am curious as to how I continue to respond. I fucking want to get out of there as soon as possible. Until then, I’ll observe and watch until the fire no longer needs to burn my feet and pray to God I can escape before the burn becomes detrimental.
In addition to all the other life lessons I’ve learned, I have had the opportunity to learn that I am – yes indeed – becoming stronger and stronger. This afternoon I had the opportunity to be on a conference call. The person facilitating the call came across strongly as a bully, full of intimidation, and verbally abusive. On the other hand, he’s a go-getter who gets things done. CEOs were on the call and were silent. A military leader came across hesitant. Someone who worked with him in some capacity had a quavering voice, spoke hesitantly, and came across as though if she was terrified of his response. He targeted me when I stumbled during my introduction. I laughed it off and came up with something that lightened the mood and made him laugh pleasantly. During that interaction, there was a dead silence on the other end. A total of approximately 35 people on the call – most of them CEOs and top leaders – were incredibly uncomfortable, not amused, and were silent. I couldn’t tell if it was from a lack of amusement, not knowing how to respond, disbelief, feeling intimidated or helpless, or what. It was a dark deadness as if a knife was slicing through the air but you didn’t know how or where. They had shut out the lights and no one was home except for the ones who were being targeted – and myself who decided to pretend it all wasn’t happening while it really was happening.
Thus, I decided to ignore it all and help toward the end goal. The mission is to make a difference. I want to help. So, I did. I did this because I’ve learned how to be strong, how to ignore negative behavior, and to stand my ground. I can do this on the phone. But, can I do this in person?? It’ll be interesting to find out. I can pretend I don’t notice, but if it targets me in just the right fashion, how will I respond now that I’ve already responded (this winter) in a way that literally almost killed me?? I’m curious, but it would sure be a gift if I don’t have to experience it – once again – to find out.
Thanks to all the hellish learning I’ve accomplished these past 40 years – particularly what all I’ve learned and gleaned from these past 12 months of sheer hell – starting light, intensifying to a strength that would kill most anyone, then backing off to allow yet more hell yet with an intensity where I can learn and grow, heal and become stronger in a way that I thought might be impossible. I’m hoping it will all end – and extremely soon – yet I will continue to learn and grow until it ends.
Please, God, make it stop. Until then, let me continue to be strong. Let me continue to be an overcomer, achiever, to persevere with strength and determination. I’ve been able to do it all along – better and better – however, I’m ready to leave hell to apply these strengths in a heaven on earth.