Death to the Victim.

Abusers are fascinating.  They are so believable.  So amazingly believable.  They also capitalize on your weak points.  Abusers often fight to the death.  Either the death of their intent, or the death of their victim – literally or figuratively.

For me, what has worked to perpetuate the symptoms of being the victim is the fear of being “crazy,” of “going crazy.”  The statement “You lie” epitomizes on that fear.

If something goes wrong that the abuser has done, it always has to be caused by someone else.  Then the victim responds subconsciously and the abuser capitalizes on their reactions.

Businesses work this way all the time.  People continually feel the need to cover up and blame when something goes wrong.  Finger-pointing is classic.  Abusers take up those opportunities to the extreme and “run with it.”  They go and go until they can’t anymore.  And, in their wake, victims get “eaten alive.”

Abusers in power are rampant.  Those not in power abuse those who are in the attempt to get on the top.  It’s a vicious cycle.  But, when it comes down to it, when mistakes need to be covered up, the bullies and abusers always win – at least initially.  And victims become victimized and re-victimized.

I was leaving the church.  I did not agree with my dad’s choices, with what was happening in my sister’s life.  Lies ran rampant. The fingers pointed to me.  At the time, 99% of those around believed the abusers.  Many still do.  You see, something had to be wrong with me for leaving the church.  Something had to be wrong with me for not agreeing with what my dad wanted to believe.  Something had to be wrong with me for not thinking the way my dad thought I should believe.

And so I was slapped with a “diagnosis” of schizophrenia – the worst diagnosis you could possibly label someone from that church.  Everyone believed I wanted to marry my sister’s husband.  But, everyone believed those lies.  Some still do.  Amazing.

I do not have schizophrenia.  Way too many psychiatrists and mental health professionals have ruled that out over the years.  I do not lie.  I can count a handful of times that I have deliberately lied.  My inability and refusal to lie is subhuman.  I am not “crazy” nor have I “gone crazy.”  I had no desire to marry an abuser, a skirt-chaser, someone who was a complete total fraud.  I tried to keep my sister safe from that, but my attempts failed.  Instead, finger-pointing happened toward me while yet another un-pretty, “happy Christian life” happened to my sister.

What I truly am – at this moment – is a trauma victim.  Someone who has been abused severely in every way possible.  What I aim to do is triumph over the ridiculousness of the aftermath from the foundations laid by abusers.

The abused get blamed, stomped on, looked at like they are crazy.  They are targeted by additional abusers.  The fear runs rampant and never goes away.  Thus, victims stay victims until somehow things change.  Until absolute miracles happen.

Abusers are all over the place.  In this day and age, they are rampant and most often have the greatest voice, the greatest power.  Victims of abuse are extremely vulnerable.  Thus, the cycle continues.  Viciously.  Ferociously.  Abusers don’t stop until the victim is dead, rescued, or disappear from their life – or until they are no longer interested.

My dad has been incredibly abusive over the years.  I didn’t know that until after my mom died.  Since then I have continually wondered the how, what, when, where, why’s…  I came to the awareness that something was severely wrong with him the night before he married his current wife.  I was explained and had the epiphany that he was abusive after calling a 1-800 national hotline for abusers while I was being severely abused by my ex-.  I have had symptoms of abuse for many, many years.  Thus, I knew I have been abused.  But I still didn’t know…

I knew, but I didn’t.  You see, I can’t remember.  I just cannot remember.  But, I know I have the symptoms.  I know my life has been devastated time and time again, significantly impacted by the initial and subsequent abuses from my dad, the church I was raised, my ex-, employers, and employees.

The abuse and the impact of abuse has climaxed – and keeps climaxing.  I think it’s done, and it’s not.  Classic.

One thing for sure, absolute sure, is that I’m resilient.  I get up.  I keep fighting for my life.  I keep breathing.  I keep trying.  Thankfully miracles keep happening so that this fight for life, for resilience, keeps working and keeps happening.

Even this fact – the fact that I’m incredibly resilient – has taken 15 years to sink in.  (A date provided yesterday by the very first person who shared that fact with me.)

My body almost gave out on me after my boss from a job that ended March 3, 2014.  It was in mid- to late- February of this year.  I was on sick leave from surgery.  I was also suffering severe PTSD symptoms from all the workplace violence that was happening, riddled throughout that particular workplace.  The violence was coming from the local office as well as through headquarters.

The director called me over the phone while I was on sick leave and was intentionally verbally abusive.  He knew exactly what to say and do based on my confiding in him by “going through the channels” of reporting violence in the workplace that was happening toward myself and my coworkers.

The pseudo-boss was significantly abusive, but I did not believe she was intentionally so.  She was fighting her own demons of the past and present.  However, the director, the actual boss, was blatantly, intentionally abusive.  I had got to a point where I could recover after identifying what was happening locally, but when it was intentional, over the phone, and while I was on sick leave, my body just couldn’t handle it.  I could feel my body give out on me.  The morning after the phone call I could feel my lungs start to collapse and my organs shut down.  When my body revived itself and I woke up, I was ready to end it myself.  I just couldn’t handle any more abuse.  I had tried and tried for years and years and I failed.  I had not succeeded.

I got to the point where I fully believed their highly believable end message: “You are a failure.”  “You are not good enough.”  It is a message that started from the church I was raised and by my dad.  A message that I believed.  A message I 100% knew that was incorrect, yet I could not help not believing.  A message that additional abusers, this time in the workplace, “picked up and ran with.”  Classic victim mentality.  Classic abuser victory.

The abuse from that workplace – from the director and the pseudo-boss counterpart – has not stopped.  Since working for them, their abuse follows me like a black cloud preventing me from future employment and stopping employment after it starts.  But, it didn’t start with them.  It won’t end with them.  They are just a pawn in the world of the victim that is used as a tool to keep the victim silent, to break them.

Their tactics have thoroughly worked because I am a victim who hasn’t yet learned how to fight appropriately.  I haven’t yet been able to find my voice in a way that brings me on top.  I just plain don’t have the tools, the know-how to counteract the fight.  Life is a dance.  I haven’t learned the dance.  Life is a fight.  I haven’t learned how to fight.

If you stick someone on a dance floor that has no dance lessons nor have been exposed to dance, they need a teacher.  If you stick someone in a boxing ring, they will get pounced on mercilessly unless they have the skills – and even when they do.  There are people who want to dance with you and who want to fight with you.  Life is best lived when you know when and how to dance and fight.

I’m not talking about “fight to the death” in a literal fashion.  I am not encouraging to put on boxing gloves.  Blood, bruises, broken bones, brain damage are not long-term answers.  I’m not encouraging a fight of good verses evil like you see as you play x-box or in the Tolkien movies.  Rather, fighting through a skill that I understand is taught via martial arts.

I don’t want revenge.  I don’t care about revenge.  What I want are the tools to learn how to make this cycle of significant abuse to stop.  I’m done with abuse.  I’m done with being the victim.  I’m done with being a survivor.  I want to be a human being that has the tools to sluff off their ridiculousness.

Abusers think they won’t be found out, that they will look good, that they will “win” whatever they are trying to battle out.  They firmly believe that the victim will always look the victim, play the role of the victim, and will always be sabotaged.  Thus, their lie of “You lie,” “You…”  “It’s all your fault..” “It’s all you.”  “It’s all in your head.”  Works.

Abusers are extremely good liars, manipulators, frauds, salespeople.  They are well adept at looking good, appearing legit.  They are extremely believable.

As the victim, it’s important to keep going.  It’s important to learn the tools needed to stop the power of abuse.  They won’t stop.  They never will.  Abuse will never stop.

I am determined to believe that I can learn how to make whatever abuse I encounter – through whatever way, shape, or form – have no power.

This has already taken from July 1998 (when the light began to dawn) to now (December 2014) to try to figure out.  I’ve been trying to overcome, to prove myself, to persevere all the ridiculousness.  I’m tired.  I’m so very, very tired.

I’ve fought and fought over the years to “be normal.”  I’ve tried and tried to figure out what I’m doing wrong, why I’m wrong, why I look like I’m wrong or in the wrong.  I try to figure out why.

Most recently I went on a quest to find a solution to solve an immediate problem.  I had 100% adopted lies and beliefs that have been implanted by my dad, the church I was raised, and that was reinforced by my prior employer.  I thoroughly, 100% believed that I was to blame, that I was the problem.  I thoroughly believed it is all my fault.  I believed I wasn’t good enough, that I’d never be good enough.  That I have no future.  Everyone I who knows me well, knows these are ridiculous lies.  Completely. Ridiculous. Lies.

I became the classic victim.  They almost won the fight.  But, they haven’t and won’t.

It’s not about them.  It really isn’t.  They are hurting souls who have been hurt.  They are mean for a reason.  It’s not up for me to determine why.  It’s not for me to determine how to stop them.  It’s not worth it.  I’ve been trying to solve the how, what, when, where, why problem for years and years.  I thought if I could solve the right question, then I can change what I’m doing wrong.

I don’t know why I respond to their ridiculousness, to the abuse.  All I know is that I’m ready to not respond.

I don’t know why so many bad things have happened to me over the years.  All I know is that I’m ready for them to stop happening to me.

One thing I do know is that I want my experiences to enable me to help others.

So far, I’ve been successful in that arena.  Extremely successful.

I aim to continue.  I aim to continue in a way that becomes successful in a way unimaginable.  Only God, The Universe, and all God’s helpers can make that happen.  All I can do is try, to put the effort out, and see what happens.

In the meantime, it’s time to heal, to rest, to regroup, to recover.

Please give yourself a hug.  Please reach out to a victim in kindness.  Please do something kind to yourself and to someone nearby.  Someone you know and someone you don’t.  Please be kind – to yourself and others.

If you’re a victim, find a way to be triumphant.  Keep going.  You’re not crazy.  You are NOT crazy.

Live and let live.  For the soul of the victim, let the abuser go.  Let the abused live.

The abuser will kill itself.  The abused will die unless you let it live.

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