Lost Brain

Two people have recently shared their fear of losing memory cells due to age.  I completely understand their fear.  The impact of losing one’s mind is incredible.  But why do we lose it?

Here are some of the reasons I have come up with:

– Not having your deepest need(s) met.

– Brain chemistry.  This is the quickest, easiest, most highly defined reason for loss of brain function.  However, it is frequently a copout of many underlying reasons that takes time, knowledge, know-how and money to figure out.

– Trauma.  Resurfacing or surfacing of shitty life experiences can create mayhem in the ability to focus and remember.

– Being treated like shit.  If we are being treated poorly by coworkers, supervisors, management, church, friends, family… we will often have difficulties with proper brain function in one way or another that only get worse over time.

– Internalizing other people’s diagnosis, labels, assessments, actions, words, ideas that you’re losing your mind.

– Lack of proper sleep.  Lack of sleep due to sleep apnea, pain, fear, noise… can truly mess with your mind.

– Chemicals in our food, how our foods are processed, and whatever is being done in the fields and to the seeds in the growing process are killing our bodies and are permanently affecting our DNA – even for future generations.  I swear that how we process our food is creating mayhem in our bodies creating a cascade effect that is affecting our ability for our brains to function.  Not only do I know that from the literature I’ve read, from what people share, lectures I’ve attended, jobs I’ve had, but also from a personal experiment I did many years ago.  Organic foods are a good starting point, but we have a long way to go still because there are still many, many dangerous chemicals being used in the growing process even with foods that are labeled organic.  Now that it’s a money-making scheme, things are only going to be getting more hazy and crazy.  I’m hoping and praying that good will win.  But “good” takes money and – for the majority of the time – the dollar speaks louder than goodness.

– The combinations of foods we eat, when we eat, and how much we eat them.  I’m looking forward to trying the idea of balancing how often I eat a particular type of food, trying the “cleanses,” and more therapeutic brain enhancing formulas that are related to the how, what, when, why, where… of what I eat.  I recently accidentally ran into The Northwest Naturopathic Clinic’s website and I’m now curious about taking their classes.  Juicing and fasting is something that I’ve heard about for many years, I’ve been very slow to try, but am now ready to try.  I would not at all be surprised if it made a huge impact on the ability to improve brain and body health function.  The way we eat is more of a problem than what we eat.  What is in the processing of the food is more of a problem than what we eat.  A cookie, fries, or a steak are just as fine as a salad.  It’s just a matter of how often, how much, and what all is involved in the process of growing and consuming that product that makes a difference.  I’m also looking forward to meeting with nutritionists and seeing what compounding pharmacies can do such as Randy’s Compounding Pharmacy & Nutrition Center.

– Body health.  Bacterial infections, fungal infections, poor cellular health, poor organ health function… will all affect brain function.  Thus, the foods we eat are even more helpful and beneficial than I have ever considered before.

– Stress.  Stress is another huge influence towards brain function.  It doesn’t matter what type, form, source, or reason for stress.  Stress can hinder and/or stop brain power.

– Fear.  Fear of losing our mind will also hinder brain power.

– Information overload.  Just like a computer can get overloaded by too much input, and a sink – and land – can overflow from too much water, and fire can erupt from too much electrical power, so can our brains.  We can think too hard, be too focused, be too determined, become overwhelmed and overloaded.  These will all create brain malfunction and will negatively impact memory.

– Isolation.  Not feeling loved, not feeling heard, not feeling validated.  Feeling alone.  Being alone too much, too often.  Aloneness – literally or no – can kill.  All of these areas towards isolation and feeling isolated can create memory loss and lack of proper brain function.

Okay… so what are the solutions??  I’ve written another blog entry, entitled “Mental Health Solutions,” that shares some ideas as to how to gain, re-gain, improve, maintain sanity…


Mental Health Solutions

I just wrote (in the blog entry “Lost Brain”) some reasons why we lose our sanity, but what are solutions towards proper brain function?  Here are some ideas.  A balance of these are essential.  If you’re on overload in one area, work on that particular area until it is no longer maxed out then proceed by adding other solutions, stopping others, or coming to that particular solution/activity/action point at a later time.  Then, in the ideal world, utilize all of your solutions and ideas with just the right balance to maintain maximum results.  This is done by utilizing sources, resources, solutions, ideas, and more… with the measurements and dosages that result in optimal health maintenance and the highest amount of brain function possible resulting in maximal life success in whatever way that means to you. Each person is different.  What you do, how you do it, the effectiveness, and results all depend on what is going on for your life and body at that particular time, your end goals, and where you are at in your starting point.  However, with all this in mind, these are some of the solutions that I’ve discovered: Make sure your basic needs are met:  Housing, food, clothing, heat, medical.  Indulge on yourself but don’t overindulge.  Sometimes a basic need is that $5 cup of coffee or $250 mink coat.  However, sometimes a seemingly immediate, mandatory need can wait – even if it’s that candy bar that is on sale.  But, if you need it, you need it.  Don’t beat yourself up over the head for it.  It’s okay to need that $5 cup of coffee when you have $0.05 left in your pocket. Human connection:  Friends are essential toward sanity.  Surround yourself with good people, great environments.  Say hi to people at the grocery store and where you hang out in art venues, fund raisers, coffee shops, restaurants, or pubs.  Volunteer for random causes.  Get involved in random organizations.  Church can help, but with every organization, there are good, healthy ones and very caustic ones.  I highly encourage to mix it up.  Keep human connection ideas balanced in how you interact, who you interact with, how often you interact.  It’s okay to say no, but it’s also okay to push yourself. Medical Needs Met: If it’s meds, it’s meds.  If it’s message therapy, whirlpool therapy, chiropractic, shamanism, nutritionist, naturopathic remedies… those too can do wonders towards making sure the brain works and stays working to its fullest.  I’ve discovered that a balance of a variety of therapeutic methods do the best work in gaining, improving, and maintaining brain function. Leave negativity/mean people behind:  Abuse and caustic situations kills the brain and the body.  According to science, even plants are affected by mean thoughts and actions. Talk. Ask. Engage. Wonder. Explore — with others.  Find a therapist, life coach, parents, family members, friends, spouse…  Mix them up and use every source possible for a healthy balance to bounce ideas off and maximize your life potential for personal and professional goals.  We each have different view points, life experiences, expertise, listening abilities, problem solving abilities, approaches to life problems, etc. – capitalize on each other’s areas of expertise.  We need to declutter our brains like we do our attics, but share our decluttering without dumping all of it on only one person or organization.  Neither do we want to dump our “stuff” on someone who really doesn’t want or need our declutttering.  That balance is a tricky one to try to figure out, takes brain power, knowledge, and know-how to make it work.  It’s a trial-and-error process.  But, like everything else, you just gotta try.  If it doesn’t work, if you reach a roadblock, it’s okay to take a step back and try it from a different angle.  Your brain will go haywire if you hoard all that misplaced information within yourself.  You’ll have literal dead spots, fried spots, black spots, empty spots, grey spots…in your brain, organs, bones, and cells within your body… if you don’t process what’s “bugging you” in just the right way. Further the verbal processing by finding solutions towards problem solving solutions for what is bothering you, your dreams, your goals, random ideas, etc.:  If you don’t have just the solution you need, find the person or organization to help.  Do this by making new friends or reaching out to professionals or experts in the field you are needing information on – especially if you are afraid you are uncertain if you’re “thinking straight” in that particular arena.  This might mean finding multiple types of business experts, philosophers, therapists, life or business coaches…  (For instance, there is a hypnotherapist who plugs in positive messages – at least that’s my interpretation of what her work entails.  With her particular form of “magic,” she reverses the “negative tapes” in my mind where my brain is telling me I’m not good enough either implanted there by my dad, people, the church ideas from what I was raised in, myself, and more.  She does excellent work and her flair with this particular work does amazing “stuff” for my brain along with professional and life progress.  However, I still need to find a therapist who does excellent work in cognitive therapy because I’m a verbal processor.  I’d advertise my most favorite therapist who was accessible through Skype, but he’s no longer practicing.)  But, if you’re afraid of financial mayhem, find an accountant or a bookkeeper.  If you’re afraid of not looking the part professionally, find a professional or life coach, beautician, and/or clothing designer.  Think outside the box and find unconventional ways to “solve” what’s bothering you.  Try “strange and weird” ideas and concepts and see what happens.  Network, ask, and explore. Human touch:  Hugs and massages.  If you don’t have someone who touches you, I highly encourage you to make appointments for a massage.  Your body needs human touch.  Massages are so very therapeutic in many, many ways.  The great thing is that there are so many masseuses that you can choose just what type of massage you want and ask for someone who specializes in just that technique.  If you want a wonderful place to try, I recommend Massage Envy in Gig Harbor – or a place like that.  The people at the front desk will help guide you – and encourage you – to try different therapists and techniques. Pain Management:  Reduce pain levels through whatever works best for you.  Massage, electrical impulse stimulation, swimming, running, the right pain med therapy, antidepressants, meditation, taking time outs…  Just remember, if there is pain, there is an underlying reason for that.  Your body is stressed from one reason or another.  It will only stop once you find the root cause.  You can go crazy trying to find the root cause, though – especially with the U.S.’s version of Western Medicine. Fix the Problem.  Let go:  Sometimes you have to do what you can do, then let the rest go.  We make such a big deal of things. Sometimes we just need to take a moment, step back, watch, evaluate, re-evaluate…  There is a balance between action and letting go.  Sometimes the problem involves seeing an MD, DO, Psychiatrist, Chiropractor, Naturopath, Massage Therapists, Bookkeeper, Accountant, Attorney, Interior Designer, Cosmetologist, Shaman, Priest… Sometimes it means divorce or marital therapy.  Sometimes it means hiring a housekeeper.  You can change you, you can do what you can. Sometimes finding, creating, maintaining your mental well-being involves “indulging in the frivolous” or letting go before you yourself go insane.  Try different solutions, therapists, experts, expertise, books, ideas… Don’t overload yourself, don’t be flighty, don’t overextend or spend too much money in your quests, but don’t dismiss ideas either.  Be open to solutions and try them.  If we don’t try, we won’t get anywhere. Research, ask, plan, act but keep a balance from preventing yourself from going crazy and making yourself go crazy in your quest for ideas and solutions. Proper food intake:  Avoid an onslaught of the same food ingredients, give your body a break, cleanse your cells (like you would your bathroom, house, car…), eat a balanced meal with a balanced diet, eat foods that make your body feel good (each body is different depending on your body chemistry, your health and well-being at that particular period of time, what it can handle, life circumstances, etc.).  Eat the right dosages with the right frequency.  I currently hate the subject of food and it’s incredibly overwhelming to me, so I tend to under-eat.  That does not help with brainpower.  If you need to, find someone to help you with the task of figuring all this out.  If you’re like me, it might take an onslaught of people. Surround yourself in beauty:  Find beautiful things to look at, see, and do.  Create beautiful spaces to live in, dwell in, spend time in.  Surround yourself with beautiful people.  Look for beautiful aesthetics and environments in every way possible.  Purchase beautiful things and engage in beautiful experiences.  Simplistic beauty, chaotic beauty… whatever beauty feeds your soul.  It could be nature, colors, furniture, art work (making it yourself or enjoying the work of others), comedy, kindness, love, a merry-go-round, a park, a ferris wheel, a grandfather clock, a fire pit or fireplace, music, a beautiful yet functional pen, a heavenly cup of coffee such as where I’m at now. Engage in creativity.  Someone shared that an adult friend of hers enjoys coloring in a coloring book.  Some write books, blog, write poetry, take pictures, create works of art (via forms of music, paint, clay, metal, beautiful gardens…), or combine a variety of artful creativity venues towards gaining and maintaining sanity, meaning, and understanding in life.  Some dance.  Some engage others in dance.  Neither Perfection nor excellence are mandatory.  It’s okay to flop.  You’re getting your shit out, shit down, shit done.  With that shit in a better place and form, beauty emerges in one fashion or another – seen or unseen – but the end result is some sort of a flicker, a regaining, a re-emerging of sanity. Socialize.  It’s overwhelming of all the possibilities of where and how you can meet new people, gain new experiences, and learn new ideas.  Meetup groups, bookstore events, cooking classes, lectures, learning groups, worship centers (any kind), craft circles (sewing, scrapbooking), live theatre and musical events (it’s amazing just how much community can be gained through attending community theaters, dance halls, and symphony hall events), events at a local college or community college… A fun sense of community, new ideas, and new friends can be gained through attending these events. Write things down:  Keep lists, a calendar, etc.  Writing things down will assist towards planning, attaining goals, keeping a sense of sanity, attaining things that you’d either forget to do or make excuses not to do, and yielding a sense of accomplishment and excitement. I absolutely love the Franklin Planner. Don’t make excuses.  Do no allow for procrastination.  Strategize, yes.  Procrastinate, no.  Never put all your eggs in one basket.  Keep life – and your solutions – balanced, spread out. If you’re spiritual minded, enjoy God’s presence, love and care… all the good flowing from the Universe.  Pray.  Be still.  Ask.  Wait.  Remember you are loved.  And with that love, believe and trust.  From there, go on faith.  Take one step at a time.  Put your hand in God, the Universe, whatever/whoever is out there and beg that you won’t be forgotten.  You won’t.  You aren’t.  Whoever/whatever (God, the angles, spirit guides, and more) are all out there is just waiting for you to ask. Whether we like it or not, we’ve been spiritually connected for millions of years.  We live within a spiritual world with electrons and energy sources floating about that we know little to nothing about.  Unfortunately, the spiritual realm is very real and can truly affect us.  I’m extremely grateful for the movement toward re-awakened awareness within Western cultures.  Do not discount paranormal activity, demonic activity, auras, psychic abilities, and more.  People are frauds in every sector and belief system.  These realms are no different.  However, these subjects are real, have validity, meaning, and have stood the test of time – accurately and inaccurately – just like philosophical thought, Christianity, Muslim religions, Buddhism, etc… I have no idea why we are so bound and determined to believe in Western medicine and that our particular religious belief system is God’s absolute truth and THE way.  Western medicine is new, has created incredibly high amounts of significant harm, and is still ignorantly ignorant even though we’ve made incredible strides and we’ve been able to help in incredible ways.  Every thought and belief system has its time and place – including Western medicine, Christianity, and more.  Unfortunately, no matter how much we wish and how hard we try to believe, these are not the only answers.  They are part of the answers, part of the solution, but there is more.  I absolutely love the Bible verse:  “Seek the scriptures for in them ye think ye have eternal life.” Our spiritual health affects our mental health.  What we believe spiritually affects how we perceive the world, our health, our well-being, and who we are down to a cellular and energetic level.  Learn who you are and what you want to believe with an open mind.  It’s okay to not know.  It’s okay to be solid in your knowing.  There’s a reason why you know – and don’t know – what you do and don’t.  Be comfortable with that and be comfortable with others where they are at.  But continue in your quest in knowing.  In doing so, you’ll find ideas and solutions that will bring you at ease on a very deep level – which ironically includes your ability to think and process information in ways unimagined. Demons can create mental-health and life- craziness just as much as chemical imbalance and wrong choices can.  If you want answers and solutions, keep and open mind, but don’t bank on one or the other as being the sole reasons for the problem.  This is well-known and well-documented.  We pick and choose what is true today and what was true in biblical times.  People today are plagued by demons and blessed by angels just as in any period of time in history. In other words, open-mindedness and exploring spiritual solutions can have a wonderfully positive impact on your mental wellbeing.  We all know it.  It’s preached about it from the pulpit, written about in the holy scriptures, and researched extensively.  Only, we limit possibilities, ideas, and solutions that are extremely detrimental to our health and wellbeing.  We come up and believe crazy ideas and discount the valid ones.  Let’s search for truth and realize demons and angels are alive and well today just as they were in every moment in time, place, and period in history. Of course, exercise is always helpful.  A simple walk will do.  Some need to run.  Others need to go to the gym.  Yoga is known to help.  Mix it up, if it isn’t enjoyable, try something else.  Keep the options open.  If it works, and it seems to be a good fit for your needs, end goals, and desires, then avoid excuses for sanity’s sake. Live outside of your own little box, bubble.  Reach out to others.  Learn what other people are experiencing, thinking, living though, need.  Share yourself with them if you can and let them share theirselves with you.  Befriend others and be a friend.  You don’t have to agree with them to like – or even love – them as your fellow friend and a fellow human being.  You do, however, need to be able to trust them.  But that takes either learning to trust them, or learning that they are not trustable.  Friendships takes incredible risk.  But, that’s life.  Life takes risk.  It takes a risk to take one foot and put it in front of the other whether or not you are fully capable of taking that step – or feel competent in stepping out.  It is risky to learn of subjects that reach outside your comfort zone.  But, it’s risky to drive.  If you take a road trip and visit a town or city 45 minutes down the road, that local will have a whole different feel, way of life, viewpoint, people, and experience than you’d ever guess.  It brings beauty and meaning to your life.  The same goes with being a friend.  Of reaching out in – and with – love to someone else.  Male, female, infant, “ancient,” religious, athiest, spiritual, bible-believing, republican, democrat, red haired, black-haired, the same ethnicity and culture or a different one, locally-familiar or world-travelled, artsy or mathematically inclined, left-brained or right brained, a baker or a cook… we all can learn from each other.  We all need each other.  By reaching out and letting others reach out to you, you can gain a sanity you never realized you lost or gain the sanity you’ve been seeking to find. Never lie, evade from the truth, deny what is truly going on, etc., but always look for the positive.  Always find a reason to be grateful – even for the shitty things and life experiences.  Even if your day starts out bad or things don’t turn out the way you think it should.  Even if your coffee tastes like mud.  You don’t have to drink it, but you can enjoy something about it.  You can learn and apply lessons from shitty, muddy coffee.  There is always a reason to be grateful for a storm. But, in order to be grateful, in order to learn, and in order to let go and accept, you have to acknowledge what truly is happening, going on, etc.  Your eyes have to be open – literally or figuratively.  If you close your eyes, use it to regroup, rethink, gain a different perspective, utilize a different sensory organ, or to rest. We have so many boxes, so many ideals, so many beliefs, so many “musts,” so many norms.  Let those all go to the wayside.  Everything is relative.  Everything is a matter of perspective.  None of us truly “know.”  We’re all “faking it till we make it.”  Some are better fakers than others.  Some know more than others.  Life is an experiment, a time to gain knowledge and understanding, a blip of time within time that is either meaningless or has meaning… we can either be a pawn in the mayhem or we can be – and become – who and what we are meant to do and be.  There are so many “truths.”  All of these “truths” are “truths,” “half-lies,” “incomplete truths,” and more.  Life is a learning, growing process.  We think we make progress, but in reality, I’m just not so sure…  Just look at history – world history, political history, cultural evolutions, human evolution, your family history, generational history, your personal history, the history of your friends and friends’ friends.  We’re all just bumbling along.  Some “get it” better than others…  All this to say… we all make mistakes, we all “miss stuff,” we are all “crazy” or “going crazy” in some capacity or another.  Some just hide it better than others.  There are very, very few who truly seem to have it all together – and if you ask them, they’d likely deny it. We like to think there is one RIGHT way, that we know THE way… That idea, the fear of the idea, or the tendency toward that idea is when we get stuck.  “The truth is in the pudding.” It’s a mixture of things, a combination of ideas and solutions, that work.  Every story, cell, structure, community is different – even siblings are different when raised in the same family.  We react to our environments differently, so do our bodies.  Thus, a solution that works for you might not work for me and vice versa.  It’s okay.  That’s why we have all these ideas, solutions, books, resources, people… that is why we have each other.  We just need to explore and try new things, to learn from everyone and every situation we can. Think, but don’t think too hard.  Try, but don’t try too hard.  Take life and yourself seriously, but not too seriously.  Stay balanced.  Keep balanced.  Break things down and take one step at a time.  Stay active, keep active, but don’t overdo it.  Stay realistic but don’t make excuses.  Reach beyond your comfort zone, but don’t fall off the cliff.  Let money be acknowledged, but don’t let it hinder progress.  It takes money to make money.  Sometimes you have to invest – which means fixing things – before you can capitalize on the benefits through reaping profits.  Thus, feel free to invest in your personal health and well-being before it literally breaks your bank and/or ends your life. Avoid judgements, criticisms, complaints, excuses… acknowledge whatever and whoever sources are blocking or preventing progress and/or creating mayhem.  But, the negative whirlwind of should-a, would-a, could-a.. blaming, shaming… just is completely unhelpful for your anyone’s mental health, brain capacity, and brain function. Find reasons to smile and laugh.  Laughter has been known to cure cancer and is well known to positively impact our health and personal wellbeing.  If we laugh, take things less seriously, and continuously find ways to be grateful, we will find ourselves less stressed, less overwhelmed, and no longer in-the-dumps. Never, ever be or feel alone.  Once that happens, you will lose your sanity.  But only you can solve that problem of being alone.  We’re all alone until we make sure we’re not.  Don’t cling.  Don’t be clingy.  Don’t let others cling onto you.  Never rely on others but do not feel afraid to reach out to meet whatever need you have.  Never be greedy nor expect others to be there for you, but don’t hesitate to ask.  Always be the first to give, but don’t give too much.  Do not take advantage of others nor allow others to take advantage of you.  Never be or feel alone. You can’t work to your fullest and bring in your maximal income potential if your not healthy mentally and/or physically.  They often go hand-in-hand.  If you’re losing ground, immediately act.  If you’re floating by, it’s time to improve.  Do what you need to do before you crash.  It’s much more expensive to recover than it is to maintain.  If you fall flat on your back, sometimes you’ll never be able to get up again.  It takes money to make money.  So, don’t make excuses that will sacrifice your long-term wellbeing.  Shamelessly invest in yourself, but don’t be selfish about it. With all these tips, tidbits, incomplete ideas in mind… when it all comes down to it… Be good to yourself:  Love yourself.  Love others.  Love and be loved.  Only then will you find sanity.

We’re Killing Each Other

We, as humans, are slaughtering each other.

We are killing each other by how we treat each other verbally and nonverbally.  Those of us who are “the other,” “different,” act as voices that everyone want silenced, and those of us who have a different skin tone or physical feature than is deemed acceptable are stomped on in one way or another.

Back stabbing, lies, deceit, set-ups, frauds… Name calling, belittling, sabotaging… we kill each other literally slowly but surely through stressing each other out by our words and actions.

We also kill ourselves by how we process our foods, how we take care of our earth.  There used to be so many, many more birds that flew during migration just 20 years ago.  Now there are hardly any in comparison to what I used to see.  We have food allergies that were never seen before and diseases at rates that were previously unheard of.

Time hasn’t changed our behaviors, but our behaviors are killing our world and each other – at an extremely high rate.  I used to think it was all nonsense.  Then, I opened my eyes and saw.  I realized, the “voices crying in the wilderness” were speaking truth.

The types of killings have changed from swords and guns, fists and words to behaviors aimed to debilitate and destroy leaving mayhem in the wake of the victim.

PTSD is a living hell.  We are yielding it on each other via so many different fashions – intentionally.  Our earth is yielding fruit that is unpalatable in comparison to what it once was and are killing us via all sorts of nonsense.  It’s a slow process so it goes undetected.  In yet, it is real.

I’m really grateful we are “wisening up.”  I just hope it’s not too late.  But, if it is too late, I hope we all die quickly and not through a torturous hell.

I’ve seen enough torturously hellish deaths.  A massive one would not be fun to watch.

In the meantime, please love each other.  Please, let’s stop playing demented mind games and stop acting in ridiculous behaviors as though we were toddlers and very young children in adult bodies.

Please love and be loved.  Please live and let live.  Unite with each other.  See the beauty within each other.  Let’s hold hands and unite with “the other.”  Let’s feed and clothe “the other.”  We’ll always have differences, be different in some capacity or another.  We all fail, we all make mistakes.  Let’s make the mistakes matter productively and proactively and not destructively.

Ready. Set. Wait. Go. Not Yet. NOW!

I say I’m ready, yet I’m scared I’m not.  I want to be a voice, to stand up, then I retreat in fear.  I’m ready.  Then, I’m not.

It’s scary to get up and say “Yes.”  It’s scary to stand up and say, “I am.”  It’s scary to stand up for truth, to BE truth.  to LIVE truth.

Yes, I have been victimized.  But, I am standing.  I am standing strong.  I’m scared.  I’m terrified.  I’m afraid.  But, I am determined to stand.

And so, I am here.  Standing.  Being a voice.  A voice for the voiceless and a voice for those who, too, are standing.

Let’s go.  Let’s stand.  Let’s unite.  Let’s be.  Let’s live.  Let’s act.  Let’s love and be loved.

Death to the Victim.

Abusers are fascinating.  They are so believable.  So amazingly believable.  They also capitalize on your weak points.  Abusers often fight to the death.  Either the death of their intent, or the death of their victim – literally or figuratively.

For me, what has worked to perpetuate the symptoms of being the victim is the fear of being “crazy,” of “going crazy.”  The statement “You lie” epitomizes on that fear.

If something goes wrong that the abuser has done, it always has to be caused by someone else.  Then the victim responds subconsciously and the abuser capitalizes on their reactions.

Businesses work this way all the time.  People continually feel the need to cover up and blame when something goes wrong.  Finger-pointing is classic.  Abusers take up those opportunities to the extreme and “run with it.”  They go and go until they can’t anymore.  And, in their wake, victims get “eaten alive.”

Abusers in power are rampant.  Those not in power abuse those who are in the attempt to get on the top.  It’s a vicious cycle.  But, when it comes down to it, when mistakes need to be covered up, the bullies and abusers always win – at least initially.  And victims become victimized and re-victimized.

I was leaving the church.  I did not agree with my dad’s choices, with what was happening in my sister’s life.  Lies ran rampant. The fingers pointed to me.  At the time, 99% of those around believed the abusers.  Many still do.  You see, something had to be wrong with me for leaving the church.  Something had to be wrong with me for not agreeing with what my dad wanted to believe.  Something had to be wrong with me for not thinking the way my dad thought I should believe.

And so I was slapped with a “diagnosis” of schizophrenia – the worst diagnosis you could possibly label someone from that church.  Everyone believed I wanted to marry my sister’s husband.  But, everyone believed those lies.  Some still do.  Amazing.

I do not have schizophrenia.  Way too many psychiatrists and mental health professionals have ruled that out over the years.  I do not lie.  I can count a handful of times that I have deliberately lied.  My inability and refusal to lie is subhuman.  I am not “crazy” nor have I “gone crazy.”  I had no desire to marry an abuser, a skirt-chaser, someone who was a complete total fraud.  I tried to keep my sister safe from that, but my attempts failed.  Instead, finger-pointing happened toward me while yet another un-pretty, “happy Christian life” happened to my sister.

What I truly am – at this moment – is a trauma victim.  Someone who has been abused severely in every way possible.  What I aim to do is triumph over the ridiculousness of the aftermath from the foundations laid by abusers.

The abused get blamed, stomped on, looked at like they are crazy.  They are targeted by additional abusers.  The fear runs rampant and never goes away.  Thus, victims stay victims until somehow things change.  Until absolute miracles happen.

Abusers are all over the place.  In this day and age, they are rampant and most often have the greatest voice, the greatest power.  Victims of abuse are extremely vulnerable.  Thus, the cycle continues.  Viciously.  Ferociously.  Abusers don’t stop until the victim is dead, rescued, or disappear from their life – or until they are no longer interested.

My dad has been incredibly abusive over the years.  I didn’t know that until after my mom died.  Since then I have continually wondered the how, what, when, where, why’s…  I came to the awareness that something was severely wrong with him the night before he married his current wife.  I was explained and had the epiphany that he was abusive after calling a 1-800 national hotline for abusers while I was being severely abused by my ex-.  I have had symptoms of abuse for many, many years.  Thus, I knew I have been abused.  But I still didn’t know…

I knew, but I didn’t.  You see, I can’t remember.  I just cannot remember.  But, I know I have the symptoms.  I know my life has been devastated time and time again, significantly impacted by the initial and subsequent abuses from my dad, the church I was raised, my ex-, employers, and employees.

The abuse and the impact of abuse has climaxed – and keeps climaxing.  I think it’s done, and it’s not.  Classic.

One thing for sure, absolute sure, is that I’m resilient.  I get up.  I keep fighting for my life.  I keep breathing.  I keep trying.  Thankfully miracles keep happening so that this fight for life, for resilience, keeps working and keeps happening.

Even this fact – the fact that I’m incredibly resilient – has taken 15 years to sink in.  (A date provided yesterday by the very first person who shared that fact with me.)

My body almost gave out on me after my boss from a job that ended March 3, 2014.  It was in mid- to late- February of this year.  I was on sick leave from surgery.  I was also suffering severe PTSD symptoms from all the workplace violence that was happening, riddled throughout that particular workplace.  The violence was coming from the local office as well as through headquarters.

The director called me over the phone while I was on sick leave and was intentionally verbally abusive.  He knew exactly what to say and do based on my confiding in him by “going through the channels” of reporting violence in the workplace that was happening toward myself and my coworkers.

The pseudo-boss was significantly abusive, but I did not believe she was intentionally so.  She was fighting her own demons of the past and present.  However, the director, the actual boss, was blatantly, intentionally abusive.  I had got to a point where I could recover after identifying what was happening locally, but when it was intentional, over the phone, and while I was on sick leave, my body just couldn’t handle it.  I could feel my body give out on me.  The morning after the phone call I could feel my lungs start to collapse and my organs shut down.  When my body revived itself and I woke up, I was ready to end it myself.  I just couldn’t handle any more abuse.  I had tried and tried for years and years and I failed.  I had not succeeded.

I got to the point where I fully believed their highly believable end message: “You are a failure.”  “You are not good enough.”  It is a message that started from the church I was raised and by my dad.  A message that I believed.  A message I 100% knew that was incorrect, yet I could not help not believing.  A message that additional abusers, this time in the workplace, “picked up and ran with.”  Classic victim mentality.  Classic abuser victory.

The abuse from that workplace – from the director and the pseudo-boss counterpart – has not stopped.  Since working for them, their abuse follows me like a black cloud preventing me from future employment and stopping employment after it starts.  But, it didn’t start with them.  It won’t end with them.  They are just a pawn in the world of the victim that is used as a tool to keep the victim silent, to break them.

Their tactics have thoroughly worked because I am a victim who hasn’t yet learned how to fight appropriately.  I haven’t yet been able to find my voice in a way that brings me on top.  I just plain don’t have the tools, the know-how to counteract the fight.  Life is a dance.  I haven’t learned the dance.  Life is a fight.  I haven’t learned how to fight.

If you stick someone on a dance floor that has no dance lessons nor have been exposed to dance, they need a teacher.  If you stick someone in a boxing ring, they will get pounced on mercilessly unless they have the skills – and even when they do.  There are people who want to dance with you and who want to fight with you.  Life is best lived when you know when and how to dance and fight.

I’m not talking about “fight to the death” in a literal fashion.  I am not encouraging to put on boxing gloves.  Blood, bruises, broken bones, brain damage are not long-term answers.  I’m not encouraging a fight of good verses evil like you see as you play x-box or in the Tolkien movies.  Rather, fighting through a skill that I understand is taught via martial arts.

I don’t want revenge.  I don’t care about revenge.  What I want are the tools to learn how to make this cycle of significant abuse to stop.  I’m done with abuse.  I’m done with being the victim.  I’m done with being a survivor.  I want to be a human being that has the tools to sluff off their ridiculousness.

Abusers think they won’t be found out, that they will look good, that they will “win” whatever they are trying to battle out.  They firmly believe that the victim will always look the victim, play the role of the victim, and will always be sabotaged.  Thus, their lie of “You lie,” “You…”  “It’s all your fault..” “It’s all you.”  “It’s all in your head.”  Works.

Abusers are extremely good liars, manipulators, frauds, salespeople.  They are well adept at looking good, appearing legit.  They are extremely believable.

As the victim, it’s important to keep going.  It’s important to learn the tools needed to stop the power of abuse.  They won’t stop.  They never will.  Abuse will never stop.

I am determined to believe that I can learn how to make whatever abuse I encounter – through whatever way, shape, or form – have no power.

This has already taken from July 1998 (when the light began to dawn) to now (December 2014) to try to figure out.  I’ve been trying to overcome, to prove myself, to persevere all the ridiculousness.  I’m tired.  I’m so very, very tired.

I’ve fought and fought over the years to “be normal.”  I’ve tried and tried to figure out what I’m doing wrong, why I’m wrong, why I look like I’m wrong or in the wrong.  I try to figure out why.

Most recently I went on a quest to find a solution to solve an immediate problem.  I had 100% adopted lies and beliefs that have been implanted by my dad, the church I was raised, and that was reinforced by my prior employer.  I thoroughly, 100% believed that I was to blame, that I was the problem.  I thoroughly believed it is all my fault.  I believed I wasn’t good enough, that I’d never be good enough.  That I have no future.  Everyone I who knows me well, knows these are ridiculous lies.  Completely. Ridiculous. Lies.

I became the classic victim.  They almost won the fight.  But, they haven’t and won’t.

It’s not about them.  It really isn’t.  They are hurting souls who have been hurt.  They are mean for a reason.  It’s not up for me to determine why.  It’s not for me to determine how to stop them.  It’s not worth it.  I’ve been trying to solve the how, what, when, where, why problem for years and years.  I thought if I could solve the right question, then I can change what I’m doing wrong.

I don’t know why I respond to their ridiculousness, to the abuse.  All I know is that I’m ready to not respond.

I don’t know why so many bad things have happened to me over the years.  All I know is that I’m ready for them to stop happening to me.

One thing I do know is that I want my experiences to enable me to help others.

So far, I’ve been successful in that arena.  Extremely successful.

I aim to continue.  I aim to continue in a way that becomes successful in a way unimaginable.  Only God, The Universe, and all God’s helpers can make that happen.  All I can do is try, to put the effort out, and see what happens.

In the meantime, it’s time to heal, to rest, to regroup, to recover.

Please give yourself a hug.  Please reach out to a victim in kindness.  Please do something kind to yourself and to someone nearby.  Someone you know and someone you don’t.  Please be kind – to yourself and others.

If you’re a victim, find a way to be triumphant.  Keep going.  You’re not crazy.  You are NOT crazy.

Live and let live.  For the soul of the victim, let the abuser go.  Let the abused live.

The abuser will kill itself.  The abused will die unless you let it live.

“Let me tell you a secret about a father’s love…”

The song that is playing on the radio right now is: “Let me tell you a secret about a father’s love…Daddy’s don’t love their children just now and then, it’s a love without end, Amen.”

When I was young, I believed that I was loved by my dad. Then my mom died and I realized that I was wrong. Completely wrong. Then I had snippets of hope from time to time.

My dad cares to the best of his ability.  However, he really has no idea as to what it means to love, to care, to be there for anyone but himself. It’s a white man’s, Christian, Evangelical/conservative religious syndrome all mixed in with a heavy dose of narcissism.

I am in recovery mode from a heavy onslaught of PTSD symptoms.

The event(s) associated with the induction of trauma sucks, but the aftermath of trauma is much more devastating.  The cyclical nature of trauma, re-surfaced trauma, and cyclical symptoms is frustratingly angering.  The lack of knowledge with regards to trauma, the people affected by trauma, and situations associated with the aftermath of trauma is fascinating, horrifying, and explains a ton as to what we are doing wrong as a society.

The reactions of people surrounding the person affected by trauma is fascinating.

People who have no friends are in deep trouble.  Deep trouble.  People who don’t have the right solutions or people who can lead you to the right solutions are in deep trouble.  People who don’t have someone who understands who they are, what they are capable of, what is happening, and more are in deep shit.  Trauma victims who don’t have someone there to listen – truly listen – and respond in the way they truly need — not how the “listener” thinks they need — are in deep shit.

We as Americans often have no idea as to the life of another.  We just plain don’t have time.  We don’t listen, we don’t care.  We judge.  We are afraid.  We see each other as “the other.”  The first thought is to think that unfortunate situations are the fault of the person experiencing ridiculousness.

Trauma victims are fully aware of this and take it to the extreme.  Thus, we don’t know who to turn to, who we can safely seek help from.  We don’t know what to do or how to do it until it’s too late.  In the meantime, we’re frantically trying to solve the problem blindly.  We reach out frantically.  Sometimes with success, but often in failure.

The frustrating thing is that Christians are the first people turn to for support in yet they are the last to be supportive.  Organizations don’t have the resources to help or there are roadblocks where they are unable to help.  Friends are the ones who are supportive.  Your true friends.

What do you do if you have no one to turn to?  Or, if you are afraid of the ones you can turn to?  Or, if you feel that they, too, won’t understand?  What happens if you don’t have enough people to turn to?

We live in a global society.  We live within clicks.  We surround ourselves with only a few sub-types of people.  We are unaware of multiple facets of society because we just don’t know.

We don’t know because it’s overwhelming, it’s confusing, it’s scary, it’s uncomfortable, we don’t have time, we don’t want to, and more.

Please do me a favor.  Please reach out each and every day to someone you know AND someone you don’t know and show them you care in a way that they know – without a doubt – you care.  Not in a way that you think you showed them you care.  But in a way that they know you care.  Not in a way that makes you feel good, but in a way that makes them feel good.

Live Jesus.  Live a Father’s love.

Please love and be loved.

“Status Quo”

I have never “fit in.”  I have never been “normal.”  I started as believing I was not supposed to be “normal,” “mainstream,” someone who “fit in” with the status quo.  Now I just don’t want to “fit within the mold.”

During my high school years, I strove to learn what those words/ideals meant and how to become that way.  Lately I have come to the realization that I have no further desire to fully belong, comply, and achieve within the ideals of the “status quo.”

For the longest time, I felt weird, strange, odd.  In grade school and middle school, I didn’t care.  I wanted to learn from the experience, label, and ideal, but I really didn’t care.  It was expected of me by my home and church to be different.  I was taught over and over that Christians are to be different.  The are meant to be shunned, be made fun of.  They are built to be stepped on.  I vividly recall someone stating something to the effect that “If you are a true Jesus-follower, you will be persecuted.” He also suggested that “If you act on Truth, you will be persecuted.”  “If you are a Light in this Dark world, you will be persecuted.”

I took that literally at the time and have taken the literal concept more and more as time goes by – only through a whole different lens.  I still want to believe, act, and preach what is “Right and True.”  However, then it was religious, now it’s philosophical.  It’s still based on religious ideals (preached but most typically not practiced), but has moved beyond – far beyond – the pulpit.

During those years of being in the church I was raised, I saw myself through the lens as being a true Christian.  I thoroughly believed their stance that we had higher status and greater truth than ALL other Christians and non-Christians alike — except the Christians who were affiliated from that particular Christian church system.  Thus, because of this higher status, knowledge, affiliation, and belief system, I was going to be persecuted.  It was a belief that I took as being fact-based.  Thus, to be “weird,” “strange,” and “different,” was “normal” and “good.”  It was a high compliment.

From the very first week of middle school to the very end, the insults and negative treatment became more and more blatant.  I immediately began to realize that the reasons for this treatment did not at all seem to correlate to how much of a Christian or Christ-follower I was supposed to be according to the church.  It seemed to be related to something else.  I’ve been on a quest to figure that out ever since.  Is it me?  Or is it the result of my act of proselytizing?  Was it because of the clothes I wore or the words I used that correlated with the church’s belief system — something that they believed to be a statement of faith that would bring others to Jesus?

This whole thing of being “weird” and “different” and not living within – or meeting the marks of – the status-quo started the continual persistent question that has never gone away:  What is it that I’m doing wrong?  Is it me?  Or is it something else entirely?  What is truly going on?

During the very last week of the 5th grade school year, I was sitting in the very back seat of the bus.  I was sandwiched between the window and a fellow female student.  Her brother sat in the seat directly across the aisle.  I told her that because she was not a Christian and did not believe in God, she was going to hell.  She was quite offended.  I explained that anyone who did not believe that Jesus died for their sins was going to hell.

That did not go over well.  Not at all.  She was deeply offended and deeply hurt.  From what I could tell and sense, rumors flowed rampant throughout the entire school.  I deeply personalized my interpretation that I was understood to be a Christian who hurt feelings and was a mean person because of sharing those beliefs.

My intention toward helping was taken a whole different way than it was intended.  I was told repeatedly growing up that explaining this theological concept to a “lost soul” would convert someone to “believe in Jesus as your Lord and Savior” and thus “save them from an eternity of hell and damnation.”  If I didn’t share this with them, they would not have the opportunity to “go to heaven for all eternity, but instead would go to hell.”  However, instead of my classmate, her brother, and everyone who would be able to hear the message I shared converting to Christianity, the opposite came to pass.  They absolutely wanted nothing AT ALL to do with me OR Christianity.

I was confused.  I was taught “We are to be the saviors of the world.”  Instead, I had “cut someone’s ear off.”  I wanted them to go to heaven.  Instead, as taught from the traditional Christian point of view, they were going to hell.

This form of miscommunication has not stopped.  I try and try to help.  I try to help people, situations, organizations, employers, and more who literally and blatantly communicate the need and desire for help.  In a number of situations it works fabulously well.  In other situations it backfires.  And bites me hard.  Most typically, it works beautifully for the people being advocated for, but bites me in the butt big time.

Through the mistakes of not knowing how to communicate correctly and taking people literally, I am realizing more and more just how much “people really don’t mean what they say.”  People, by and large, are liars.  No matter just how hard we try, we all lie 99% unintentionally, yet another 99% intentionally.  However, according to what I’ve gathered so far, the more a person follows the status-quo, the less honest a person is likely to be.  But even so, this is really not true either.

This idea is incredibly harmful and destructive on many, many levels.  Us Americans are becoming more and more afraid because of this idea that we are all liars.  While we all lie to some degree, deep down, we rarely intentionally lie.  We just don’t know how to listen, communicate, and truly understand each other.  This lack of communication yields the sense that we all lie.

Those who internally lie, perceive all to be liars, and those who enable liars are the most likely to allow the effects of lying to win.  However, the majority of us humans really, really do not want to lie.  We definitely do not want to be lied to and we do not want to lie.  It strongly appears to me that the only time we lie is when we feel we have no other choice but to lie.  The frequency of lying correlates to the frequency and intensity of the fear.

In my grade school years, I noticed that they boys made a game of spitting at people from the bus windows.  They all seemed to wait for a particular time to start spitting.   I had no idea until many, many years later that these students made a game of watching for me to pass by just so they could spit on me as I walked alongside the bus line. I also noticed that there were times when my hair felt sopping wet.  I quickly realized it was from, was termed then as, gleek, but I never realized that it was intentionally targeted toward me until someone asked my sister to apologize to me.  I just figured they were doing what boys were meant to do, how kids were meant to behave when they were having fun.

I suspected I was targeted as the odd ball out by the greater population – including the teachers – when the only stuffed animals that were missing from a display cabinet were things I loaned for display.  They were stuffed bears that were unique.  They were gifts from my grandmother.  This idea was also deeply implanted when I lost 1st place on a school-wide “race” due to rules being changed last-minute.  Not only that, but the very same item that won the race (a rocket made out of Quaker Oat cereal boxes) was deliberately placed in front of the buses so that it would be run over.  Those incidences were the very first time when I felt literally raw and hurt to the core, as though I were internally violated.  I felt those sensations deeply as I internalized the feelings of the realization I was being intentionally victimized.  Instead of my “faith in God” – martyrdom – being the blame, I began to believe with more and more certainty that it was I who was the problem.  Right, wrong, or indifferent, those thoughts and feelings became more and more persistent over time.

Throughout those school years, I strongly believed this all stemmed from that single conversation on the bus.  Initially, instead of thinking I was a target from being “weird,” I took it to mean that I had hurt someone deeply for proselytizing.  I did not want to hurt anyone deliberately nor completely unintentionally, so I shut my mouth from further preaching with words until I could learn how to communicate without harm.  I’m really, really glad I did.  Preaching with ignorance along with self-righteous words and actions kills.  Preaching with grace, kindness, humility, action, and knowledge yields much more positive results.

As time went on, throughout the days in middle school and high school even up to this very day I realize more and more how “strange,” “weird,” “odd,” I am.

When I realized I could do something about being weird, odd, and strange, I attempted to become “normal,”  I then realized I wanted to become “normal,” to “fit in.”  I wanted everyone to like me and to not be afraid of me.  More and more, I realize just how much I am “normal” to feel that way, yet in actuality I am a huge anomaly in my life experiences, thought patterns, actions, beliefs, and goals.  Who I am, was, and aim to be is just not “normal” nor will it ever be.

I need to fully let go of being afraid.  I need to no longer worried about being intentionally – nor unintentionally – misunderstood, ignored, shunned, and sabotaged.  All of this has happened to me – and more.  I’m still alive.  I’m stronger than before.  I know much, much more as the result.  I am much more kind, understanding, sympathetic, empathetic and compassionate as the result of being “weird” and “different.”  I no longer need to be that person who everyone “likes,” “respects,” and/or “believes.”  Do I wish for those things?  Hell, yeah!  Will I be able to advocate for those in need if I do this?  Hell no.

I was taught by my dad that as a Christians, I am to be a doormat.  He strongly believed that Christians are typified to be similar to the end result of the doormats made by some sort of plant that the Isrealites used in the Old Testament.  I cannot find the passage, but I want to say it was during the time of the Passover and/or the 10 plagues.  I vividly recall my dad reflecting on that passage then intentionally, directly stating to me:  “The more you are stepped on, the sweeter you smell.”

Most often, I was a doormat.  It has become a habit.  In the process of being groomed to be a “good Christian woman,”  I “lost my voice.”  I got “stepped on.”  I got “hated on.”  I was one of the most submissive, subservient, obedient, compliant, loving, self-sacrificing female Christian anyone could become.  I can honestly say that very few were as literally as kind, naive, and the epitome of what a true Christian woman is idealized by any fundamentalist – even Evangelical – Christian view could be.

It is because of my goal to be Jesus-like, I am who I am and who I was.  I want to know: “What is Truth?  Why?” – in relation to every facet, form, and aspect of every sector, belief, ideology, and more.  “What makes a True Christian?” “What does it mean to “Love your Neighbor?”  What does it mean to be a “Good Human Being?”  How do you identify, define, and advocate for justice, kindness, truth?”  What does it truly mean to “be Jesus’ hands and feet?”  What does it mean to “be an advocate,” to ‘stand up for what is right?”  “Why should I?”  And, “How?”

As the result of these quests and more, I no longer fit in the status-quo of mainstream fundamentalist and Evangelical Christians.  I do not fit in within the status-quo of society, of what it means to be a normal employee.

Do I want to be normal?  Yes.  But No.  Do I want to be loved?  Yes.  But not if that means the detriment of another.  Do I care about others?  Yes.  Do I care about myself?  Yes.  At times more than I should, and more often much less than I should.

As I become more and more mainstream, and find my voice become louder and louder, I fight more and more ferociously.  I want to be a voice.  I want to be heard.  I want to matter.  But more than anything else, I want you to matter.  I want your needs, wants and desires to be met.

I beat myself up for this.  Why should I continue to sacrifice myself for the betterment of others to my own detriment?  Why do I continually put myself in a position that makes other people hate me, misunderstand me, ridicule me?  Why do I feel I need to fight for truth, justice, equality?  Why do I need to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves?  Why do I want to be a voice?  Why do I feel the need to advocate and speak up?  Why can’t I just be normal?  Why can’t I just be satisfied with fitting within the realms of the status quo?  Why do I have to take everything so damn literally?  Why?

Now I am changing my tune.  I now want to know:  How??  More than that, how can I do this effectively?  In a way that people will listen, will “get it,” and will not be feel afraid to listen?  How do I speak up in a way that compels unity in the fight for kindness, compassion, understanding?  How do I get the knowledge-base to be an effective advocate?  How do I attain the wisdom, assistance, guidance, and ability to be an advocate in the capacity I wish?

I am ready.  All I need to know is “How.”

And “How” means to do – and be – the opposite of the status quo.